puzzle pieces

my life has been an endless search for the missing pieces that would complete the puzzling reality that it is

and because i am sometimes selfish, i often ask why me, why me, why me

why have i been chosen to bear the burdens that i carry on my shoulders; is it because someone creating the fabric of my story decided i was strong enough?

once i was so fragile that i nearly broke from the strain, practically shattered on the floor

in a beautifully chaotic mess; i prick my finger on one of the pieces of glass and a single drop of scarlet blood mars it

and a voice in my head reminds me that i can never put it back together, try as i might

now apologize to yourself, it demands, because you have fractured your very foundation

but how can i form an apology when, like the puzzle pieces that are lost, words are absent?

i stumble over the letters that crawl slowly towards the end of my tongue and fall off when their fortitude weakens, and the resultant sentence rings false

because i do not believe what i am saying, liar, liar, liar

set my words on fire and let them blaze like the leaves on the trees do when fall sighs with a breath full of longing nostalgia

they say it is smarter to look for the corner pieces first because of their more regular, defined shape

or look for the ones that are solidly and stoically single colored

the problem is that the strands of color weaving this tortured fabric together are a multitude of shades all thrown together

in a chaos that is far less stunning than shards of glass lying spreadeagle on the floor

what do you do when your whole world turns upside down and suddenly those corner pieces no longer belong?

when you are stranded in an ocean of uncertainty that is swimming with demons just waiting to tear you to shreds

and the voice that used to insist you treat yourself with careful hands and gentle kindness disappears into the void

sometimes the path that i am walking along vanishes into the blackness that engulfs my future

it winds and wends its way over mountains of challenges and tribulations and through valleys of depression and emptiness

but if i look closely, there is a glimmer of light shining like a pinprick of hope in the distance

the skeletons in my head rattle their bones in a rhythmic never, never, never

while glowing eyes stare at me from every angle, watching my every move as if they are flashes of a camera documenting each mistake i make

this puzzle does not come in a box with a count on the cover telling you how many little bits there are

rather, it’s been strewn all over the place

and its completion fades in and out of my mind like fireflies glimmering in the lazy twilight air of a summer evening

some days i cry myself to sleep for fear that i will never finish it

that there will be no stitches to sew my broken heart back together after the flicker of hope kindled within it is stamped out violently

when i was a child, i had great dreams and lofty aspirations that shaped my confidence like they did my puzzle

it was simplistic and straightforward; i believed that, as the saying goes, i would be as happy as i made up my mind to be

but as i have grown older, it has only grown more and more complex and developed a rather amorphous shape

when i sit down to work on it i notice the stretch marks on the inside of my thighs

tracing tributaries of tears along my skin which i have so hated and mistreated over the years

which covers the muscles i allowed to atrophy and the bones i let become as brittle as an icicle, and just as cold

my soul froze over like it were struggling to survive the depths of winter

and death reached out its hand for me to shake and grab hold of, promising me peace, peace, peace

but then something deep within me stirred, opening eyes that contained the whole universe

rose up on wobbly legs like a baby attempting to take its first steps

and i heard that voice that had cradled me in its arms so long ago whisper softly that i was worthy of love

so i began to learn how to embrace the way my stomach gently curves rather than lies flat against the ribs i once could count like stairs

strove to fill the vacant spaces in my heart with life and love and happiness

all the while still searching for those puzzle pieces in the hopes that one day, one brilliant day, i will complete it, and thus complete my journey

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