Hollow

sometimes I wish for the words to explain why I feel so hollow and numb inside

like a tunnel at the end of which there is no light, no prize, no victory

I long for the ability to be able to explain why it is that this all consuming emptiness is simultaneously my best friend and my worst enemy

how it keeps me tied down in chains that sometimes become a safety belt keeping me from falling into the inferno raging around me

the fist that shatters the mirror in which I can glimpse my distorted reflection, bringing bad luck and relief all at once like a tidal wave

sometimes I wish I could communicate how it is to feel like a blank canvas upon which someone has spilled a crescendo of black paint

impossible to ever completely erase and forever blemished by someone’s error

how much it hurts to feel like you are the living embodiment of a mistake

that your imperfections can be counted like ribs on a skeleton and your flaws reach numbers of which only mathematicians dream

sometimes I wish I knew how to explain what it is to miss someone you never will be able to become

to desire to change yourself so completely that after your metamorphosis you are unrecognizable especially to yourself

because who you are is something you just cannot stand to be

and you wait for the day that you will fade away into distant memory like an apparition made of smoke

sometimes I wish I knew what it was like to feel vibrant, full, happy

to put on a smile that isn’t just to feign a sense of security

to wear my joy like a beautiful and rainbow colored crown that sits atop my head and declares to everyone that I am beautiful

and to no longer know these omnipresent, dark clouds of sadness that fog my mind and obscure my sunshine.”

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