Today was just a good day. And that always makes me wary when that happens, because I feel like my life is a roller coaster: it goes up and up and up, but eventually, it has to come down.
That’s why I’m taking the time now to slow down and appreciate what a wonderful day I had.
I woke up this morning excited to eat breakfast. That isn’t something that’s happened in a very long time. Breakfast has always been the easiest meal of the day for me, since my stomach is empty and feelings of guilt haven’t started to set in. But usually, just like any other time I eat, the little monsters in my brain start to wake up. This time they didn’t. I coasted through breakfast with a smile on my face as I finished off my mandatory, daily cup of coffee.
Today I spent the day with my boyfriend. Pardon me while I get a little gushy for a moment, but I honestly feel butterflies whenever I’m with him. He makes me smile and laugh so contagiously it’s amazing. He truly makes me feel cared for, special, and beautiful, which considering my eating disorder likes to try and convince me of the exact opposite, is no mean feat.
We went out to the center of town and spent some time walking around and enjoying the nice weather and overall just lounging around and relaxing. There’s nothing too major going on in the town where I live, but it’s a nice place to explore all the same. After about an hour and a half of this, we headed over to the restaurant we’d decided to try out earlier in the week.
The restaurant does a buffet style lunch, which obviously means that you can go and take however much and whatever you like. I’m going to admit this was a little daunting at first; when I have the option to choose what I eat, it sort of opens the door to wanting to restrict. But instead I plonked myself down at the table with a salad, and then proceeded to have some spicy chicken, eggplant with other veggies, and rice.
And guess what?
It was delicious. And that’s something I haven’t said about food in a long time. Thinking of food as something pleasurable felt dirty and wrong. It felt tantamount to letting a whole string of insults come flying out of my mouth; just not something logical or good to do.
But today I crushed the devil that is my eating disorder, and made it all but disappear. I didn’t restrict, I ate what I wanted, and I genuinely enjoyed it.
After lunch we spent a bit more time together until he had to head back home. But even after he left, this sort of happy, giddy, content feeling just stayed with me. I couldn’t shake this irrepressible wave of self-confidence.
Anyone who knows me knows that I’m probably one of the least confident, secure people ever. On the rare occasion that I receive a compliment, my gut reaction is to say “Thank you, but I’m not ____.” It’s always been extremely difficult for me to accept kind words as the truth. Not because I doubt the person saying them, because I doubt myself. And yes, I know that I have a warped perception of how I look and who I am. That doesn’t make it any easier to accept compliments. It’s something I’m working on.
However, like I said, for the whole day, I’ve kind of been floating around on this weird high of happiness. Fighting depression and anxiety is really, really difficult. It takes all the life and energy out of you. So to have a day like this, where I could just relax and be myself and not make food my main priority for the day, was amazing. And very much needed. My face actually hurts from all the smiling I did. It’s a good kind of hurt, though.
I’ve managed to get through everything but evening snack, which I still have ahead of me in about an hour or so. This is always a difficult one for me, because the exchanges require that I eat something dessert-like. And dessert is a challenge. My eating disorder had it ingrained in my mind for so long that dessert was evil.
I now present several pictures of dessert to try and combat that voice. Also because everyone likes dessert, right? (Yes, even me.)
Anyways, I’m going to bring this post to a close right about now because I think I’ve said all I really have to say. Good day, check. Happy, check. Confident, check.
What else do you really need?
Oh yeah. Dessert.
Much love ❤