It’s been a long time since I last gave a blog update. That’s because my life has taken a turn since I’ve transitioned to partial; my days are now infinitely busier. It’s wonderful and amazing to be at home for the first time in months, but also slightly overwhelming at times. All of a sudden I have to be a thousand times more responsible and accountable. I have to prepare my own meals according to my meal plan. This requires an infinite amount of trust in my treatment team, which is something I’ve always struggled with. My body image is in the trash most days, which hardly helps, and it can be extremely difficult to stay the course when everything in me wants to quit and give into behaviors and compulsions.
There is, however, the fact that I will have been 100% compliant for five straight weeks come tomorrow. This means that I’ve been able to restrain myself from restricting and overexercising. I’ve also completely adhered to my meal plan, which is probably the most difficult piece of all.
Each day is a new learning experience. Sometimes I feel confident and capable; other moments are purely horrifying. But I know that the only way out is through. This is a concept that I really struggle with. It’s painful, it’s terrifying, and it’s so uncertain. It requires a lot of blind faith in my future.
But still I continue on. I strive to make each day a little better than the last. I’m grateful to be alive, no matter how much my depression and anxiety might take hold of me some days. I definitely have my ups and downs, but overall, I think I gain a little bit of strength with each day that I continue to successfully fight this disorder.
Currently I’m working on becoming more accepting of certain fear foods. This is a remnant of my old behavior of restricting. Back when my disorder was at its worst, I completely avoiding most everything. I would barely consume anything and exercise myself to the bone due to my desperate desire to have control over how I looked. Lately I’ve been trying to integrate something that’s challenging to me at least once a day. This helps increase my comfort level and eases me back into eating according to my hunger cues and listening to what my body intuitively wants and needs. It’s nearly impossible some days, though. Hunger cues are still frightening to experience. My eating disorder yells and screams at me, berating me for having a normal bodily function.Still, I’ve been able to rise above these challenging thoughts, which is something I’m extremely proud of myself for.
Something else I’m proud of myself for? A week ago I conquered one of my biggest fears and put myself in front of the camera instead of behind it. I had a photoshoot with a lovely and very talented family friend who took some gorgeous photos. My hope is to do this again very soon!
I hope to continue writing more consistently as the days go on and I get a better handle on adjusting to partial treatment. Thank you all so much as always for all your support and encouragement; it truly means the world to me ❤