Today is one of those gloomy, dreary days where the weather decides to match itself perfectly to my mood. It was pouring rain this morning, and now the sun is just barely peeking through the intermittent clouds. To be honest, I wish it wouldn’t appear it all. All I want to do this morning is curl up in my blankets and just forget the world for a little while.
It’s sweater weather, essentially. I dressed myself this morning in a pair of leggings and a sweater I got from the long outing a week ago to a nearby thrift store. And I’m trying my hardest not to change outfits a million times because of how high my dissatisfaction with my body is this morning. For whatever reason, I woke up in a positive mood, but it’s since trended down so sharply that if it were a roller coaster it’d probably scare the shit out of some people. Pardon my French.
This mood is probably not helped by the fact that I’m coming down off a high from being able to go out on pass yesterday and experience the world. Today I’m relegated to staying here in the facility, save for perhaps short outing, in an endless cycle of meals and groups. With any luck, I’ll get to meet with both my doctor and my case manager to talk about things and hopefully get my head screwed back on in the proper direction. I’m both future and past tripping right now; I’m missing the way I used to look and the control my eating disorder behaviors permitted me to exert, and I’m also desperately hoping for a future where I’m content with the way I look and feel. The present is just too lugubrious right now. Come on, you couldn’t possibly think an English major like myself would make a post about gloomy weather and not toss that impressive vocabulary in there somewhere, right?
Talk to you all later. Much love, and stay sunny ❤