Mechanization Normalization

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

Emma here coming to you live from one of the gloomiest days in a while that also happens to be a Monday. It’s like some evil masterminds decided to put their heads together and come up with the weather and date combo that would make me the most miserable and unmotivated.

Motivation. That’s what I’m severely lacking in this morning. There’s no shortage of this mechanical “pick food up and insert into mouth then chew” process going on right now. My body consciousness is rapidly exponentiating, and the fact that it seems like all I can do is shovel food into my face in order to ever get anything positive here isn’t helping. Over the weekend it was difficult to stay 100% compliant for four straight days, but I managed it because I had the desire to go out on passes behind me motivating me. I also had a fire lit in me by seeing how flippantly another resident here takes the process of getting better from such a devastating and deadly disease. But this morning that’s all sort of faded away, and what’s left in its place is this vague desire to leave this place, coupled with an extremely strong desire to not put another morsel of food past my lips.

This is the stretch where I’m gonna need the most support from the community. I’m not at the place yet where I can find myself intrinsically motivated; it’s external forces like you guys that are keeping me going. I know there are people counting on me and thinking of me, and right now, this is 110% all for you. It just gets awful lonely feeling like the only ship sailing on the vast stormy sea that this Monday is fast becoming. Much love all the same ❤️

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