Today just happens to be one of those days where my depression really gets the better of me. I woke up this morning in a funk and since then it’s just been one big spiral downwards. Breakfast was easier than lunch, and first snack was just a complete wash.
It’s such a beautiful day outside and I’m stuck inside. Maybe that’s part of the problem. I can see the sunny blue skies and feel the warmth of the light radiating into the room where I sit, but it feels so intangible. Maybe the other part of the problem is that it’s the weekend. On weekends in treatment there’s always far less stringent scheduling and a lot more free time. This is great if you have stuff to occupy yourself with, like naps or coloring or visitors, but absolute hell if all you want to do is run away from the thoughts in your head like I do today. Right now I have the distinct urge to unzip my body and let my skeleton just speed off into the distance, free of everything physical and metaphorical that’s weighing on me.
Major depression is difficult to explain to people who don’t have a concept of it. It’s sort of a two way street, though; I can’t really imagine what it’s like to not wake up every morning dreading the day and hating yourself. To wake up lighthearted and excited, or at the very least, in a neutral state. And then to progress through the day in a kaleidoscope of colors rather than a sort of muted palette of greys and the occasional pastel if you’re lucky. To look forward to each moment of the day ahead, knowing it could bring any sort of surprises.
I wonder what that’s like. It’s not that I don’t have small, fleeting moments of happiness. I do. But they’re so rare and far in between that they’re almost disturbing when they occur.
Anxiety is difficult to describe too. And since it sort of goes hand in hand with my depression, it not only makes it doubly difficult to explain what I’m going through, but infinitely more difficult to experience. For whatever reason, today is just a particularly difficult day for me. Everything’s just decided to sort of conglomerate and descend down on me like the meanest cloud ever.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better.