Retrospective Introspection

Today in one of our groups we filled out a worksheet where we were asked to think about everything we’ve lost, sacrificed, or experienced a lessening interest in due to our eating disorders. After much thought and pensiveness, because I actually really did want to genuinely contemplate this, I came up with a few conclusions.

  1. My friends. My relationships with my friends has really suffered for the most part. I’ve lost entire relationships, been forced to watch some take a backseat to my health, and cried over people who I thought were friends but who just couldn’t make it through supporting me through this extremely difficult time.
  2. My passions. I’ve had to put my education, my extracurriculars, and so many things that bring me joy in life on the back burner because of how demanding my eating disorder is.
  3. My romantic life. Yes, I’m actually writing about this. I really do wish I had someone to cry to and to hold onto when it feels like I’m on a ship that’s doomed to sink. But not just someone who can be there for the bad moments as an unwavering support; I also miss having a best friend to laugh with and have silly jokes with and to just enjoy life with without fear of judgment. 
  4. My happiness. This one kind of doesn’t need explaining. 
  5. And just because I like multiples of five better, my future. It’s slowly becoming apparent that the more and more time I spend fighting and combating anorexia, the less time I have to truly enjoy my future and my life the way it might genuinely have been meant to be spent.

And all of these realizations are well and good. And I wish they were enough to make me just say “Fuck this, I’m going through with treatment 100% no matter what.” But right now they’re not. So if you all could be of any additional support in any of these areas… Please do. I’m truly fighting for my future here, and that’s the most serious thing ever. This is not a joke, despite the fact that sometimes my posts seem facetious or good humored. This is a battle for my life.

Much love 💜


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