It Isn’t So Easy

I may have committed to recovery, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Not at all. This morning my body hatred is off the charts high. I’m hyperanalyzing every inch of my skin and finding all sorts of imperfections that I’m then exploiting. It doesn’t help that I barely slept and feel like I’m only somewhat mentally present.

Breakfast was pretty standard for me at this point, which feels absolutely positively disgusting and pathetic. Two bowls of Rice Chex with Lactaid, coffee,  blueberry Greek yogurt, strawberries, two hardboiled eggs, and a blueberry muffin. As per usual, I completed it. But I feel so resigned to this awful fate. I want to be skinny again. I’m trying so hard to fight. So, so hard.

Talk to you all later. Much love 💜

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One thought on “It Isn’t So Easy

  1. Hi Emma,

    I have so much compassion for what you’re going through and only have the best of intentions when offering you my unsolicited thoughts. As you stated, the juxtaposition between commitment to recovery and that damn inner voice is intense and tough.

    Here is my two cents: Instead of giving your inner voice Carte Blanche to run amok with your mental health, get in the driver’s seat and boss IT around. Your inner critic is getting way too much time on center stage. Put it in the prop closet. Once in a while, you may need it but YOU will decide where, when, and why. For example, when writing, your inner critic doesn’t need to be present during the intuitive brainstorming and multiple drafts. These are stages when YOU have the right to focus on all the parts you LIKE and want to elaborate upon. Inner critic may only be appropriate towards the end of the process where you’re analyzing and proof-reading.

    Your inner voice has no right to decide the ever-present topic of discussion in your head will be your physical appearance. FUCK THAT! Time and place. WHEN and IF you care about its opinion. Does this scarf go better with this top? Your inner voice also needs to broaden the scope of topics to be discussed with your SELF. Should I publish my poetry first? Will I put some of my art in my future book(s)? I wonder what Mom will plant in her garden this Spring? You get the idea.

    Each day that you allow your body to be nourished gets you closer to your dream of publishing your book. Your mind and body are currently expending so much energy on sheer survival. As recovery progresses that energy instead will be available for you to use on sharing your amazing gifts with the world.

    (((HUGS!!!)))
    Beth 🙂

    Like

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