It’s a Little After 5, I’m All Alone and I Hate Myself

Blind weights are always a party. I mean, what’s not to love about getting to stare at your body as you back up on to a scale while the tech covers up the number you simultaneously want to know and destroy?

I look extra fat this morning. And believe me, I am trying so hard to tell myself that it is water weight; that it’ll rearrange itself with time; that this is all normal and actually I am thin. And none of it is working, absolutely none. I will go and eat and I will hate myself and wish I could leave so very desperately. I will eat so they don’t penalize me by sticking a tube down my throat that does the eating for me.

Eating is eating away at my mind. Which brings me to my next point… My status is so tentative right now. The hospital would usually send me to Walden based on their recommendations right now, but my parents will step in as guardians and prevent that. McLean has denied me access since I can’t promise that I’ll comply with their protocols 100%. And so since the hospital cannot keep me as I’m no longer medically unstable by their standards, my options turn to going home, which my parents are desperate to avoid. I would love to be home, but also know that I would struggle. I will struggle no matter where I go. I am not at that point where I can eat and feel good about it. And if I’m told I have to stay here much longer, I’m going to rebel. I can already feel the hatred of myself riding up like a tidal wave.

It’s so loud.


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