My Lost Motivation

The biggest reason (or at the very least, one of the largest) why I’m struggling so much is because I’ve lost my motivation to recover. Essentially, somewhere down this long, dark road of anorexia, I ended up giving up on living. I lost track of what makes me happy, what I aspire to do with my life, and my hopes and dreams for the future. I’ve become so consumed by anorexia that I’m blinded to what my life could be.

And the saddest part? That I can rationally state that to you, knowing full well it’s true, and yet not feel the capacity to change it.

So as I enter into another day of my journey to recovery, and seeing as each day is more difficult than the last… Could you please help me? Show me what my life could be. Describe to me what I could do, and all the hopes I should have for the future. And maybe I’ll start to believe those things matter more than the way my stomach is starting to stick out in a bloated, distended, fatty way, and my cheeks are filling in unevenly. Maybe I’ll start to believe in myself again.

Much love 💕

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “My Lost Motivation

  1. It is normal to go through these stages through relapse. It will never be motivating and great the entire time, it won’t be that easy. But these phase will pass if you allow it to. I believe that everything is happening just as it should, it is only our own perspective that cause the stress and difficulties that come with it. Try and stay strong. I believe in you!

    Like

  2. On my 24th birthday I sat where you are sitting. Okay, it wasn’t exactly where you are but emotionally is was pretty darn close. I lived in a little cold world that belonged only to me.I could never have imagined all the things that I have now…
    Maybe you become a great artist, professor, or come to have whatever career you desire. Or maybe you don’t and you decided to be a hippie of sorts waking up late each day and going to yoga classes and painting only for the love of painting.
    Maybe you will find a wonderful man who you will make you smile and you will get married or maybe you won’t. Maybe you will have children, maybe you will adopt. Maybe you adopt a dog instead or a cat or an iguana. Or maybe you don’t.
    Maybe you decide to travel instead. You decide that it might be healing to float in the dead sea, or to lay on the pink beach in Eleuthera, or swim with the dolphins in Hawaii, or hike through the mountains, or sip tea in France. Really I don’t know but there are so many places to see.
    Maybe you simply take yourself on a date to the local coffee shop and draw silly pictures on napkins that make you smile. Or journal endlessly because you have so much to say.
    Maybe you decide to stay at home for a while. Last summer I did nothing more than walk in the grass in my bare feet. Feeling the earth between my toes and the softness of the grass. The sun as it touches your face and warms your soul.
    Maybe you will volunteer at the library and read to the children. Maybe you just listen to music and sing.
    The point is that there are no “shoulds”. No defining what greatness or success is. Maybe you just relax into life and begin to enjoy it because really that is what it is all about.

    Like

  3. For my 21st bday I had a baby boy. You could have a family if you want. You could roam the earth and photograph all the things you can only see from your room right now. You could go to the beach and feel the warm sand swallow you toes.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s