They gave me a relatively easy lunch today, all things considered. Which means dinner is probably going to be the stuff of nightmares that keeps me up all night.
I sat down, half an hour late (honestly, I don’t know how lunch manages to show up so late yet dinner practically bites it on the ass it shows up so early) to a half pita filled with zucchini, peppers, and hummus, a bowl of vegetarian chili, a salad with cucumbers and another evil ton of dressing, a dinner roll (because why not take every opportunity you can get to carboload me unnecessarily?), soymilk, and water. I have the sloshy feeling again and the perpetual self-hatred feeling I’ve come to know all too well, combined with the distinctly ominous feeling that comes with knowing dinner will have a dessert component and likely be strictly carbs with a small side of fruit for a sliver of hope.
Hopefully my team takes me seriously and understands that I’m genuinely feeling much better. I realize that my heartbeat basically goes off the edge of a cliff every time I get up, but then keeping me completely sedentary all day can hardly be helping that. The poor thing doesn’t know what moving is anymore; it gets shocked whenever it actually happens. But besides that, my vitals and blood work and all that are far more stable. So I need to keep self advocating and I need them to take this as genuinely into consideration as I am. I want to go home, and I want to go ASAP.