Already Overwhelmed

Today has already been a nightmare of a morning. I wish it literally were, because then at least I would still be sleeping and wouldn’t have had to deal with reality yet.

To start with, my doctor reprimanded me this morning because he thought I was trying to take away his attention from my roommate, who also happens to be a patient of his. But I wasn’t. I was just agitated because my breakfast was out there at the front desk ominously waiting for me and they were talking about her condition. The poor thing is bleeding and I’m extremely hemophobic, so I was just getting more and more anxious sitting there by the second. Finally I got out to breakfast to discover my job was to eat an English muffin, a giant omelette filled with tomatoes, peppers, and mushrooms, a Greek strawberry yogurt, two bowls of Rice Krispies with lactaid, coffee, and an apple. And I did it, because I have no choice. I feel awful and disgusting right now. I know I say that every time and I wish I didn’t.

My only hope is that lunch and dinner will be on the smaller side because breakfast was so big. But who knows. I have to suffer through this no matter what, and I hate saying suffer because I feel like such a baby. So many other patients here have real problems and here I am whining about having to eat. But I guess that’s just the way all the food I don’t want to eat does or doesn’t crumble, depending on its texture.

The awful maraschino cherry on top of today is that my nurse is super busy so the meds I would normally take after to help calm me down are so frustratingly out of reach. And again, there’s that compounded guilty feeling of feeling awful for eating and awful for feeling awful about it. And guess what? It feels awful.


3 thoughts on “Already Overwhelmed

  1. This is somewhat rhetorical but I’m curious…the breakfast you describe each day sounds like a much larger quantity of food than people eat at one sitting. Wouldn’t it make sense to start with less and gradually build up? Why are they expecting you to gorge yourself when in everyday life that’s not how people eat meals? Humans are meant to graze, six small “meals” per day, not stuff themselves three times per day. You don’t have to answer if you don’t feel like it…I’m just wondering out loud. It all seems counter-intuitive to me. However, I am a lay person and may not be grasping the recovery process. Time to do some research of my own. (((HUGS to you Emma)))

    Liked by 2 people

    1. This is where I’m at after 5 days… They ramp it up very quickly and this is designed only to be a short term medical intervention. That’s what I’m given to understand, anyways… Believe me, I wish it were different too…

      Liked by 3 people

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