Today has already been a nightmare of a morning. I wish it literally were, because then at least I would still be sleeping and wouldn’t have had to deal with reality yet.
To start with, my doctor reprimanded me this morning because he thought I was trying to take away his attention from my roommate, who also happens to be a patient of his. But I wasn’t. I was just agitated because my breakfast was out there at the front desk ominously waiting for me and they were talking about her condition. The poor thing is bleeding and I’m extremely hemophobic, so I was just getting more and more anxious sitting there by the second. Finally I got out to breakfast to discover my job was to eat an English muffin, a giant omelette filled with tomatoes, peppers, and mushrooms, a Greek strawberry yogurt, two bowls of Rice Krispies with lactaid, coffee, and an apple. And I did it, because I have no choice. I feel awful and disgusting right now. I know I say that every time and I wish I didn’t.
My only hope is that lunch and dinner will be on the smaller side because breakfast was so big. But who knows. I have to suffer through this no matter what, and I hate saying suffer because I feel like such a baby. So many other patients here have real problems and here I am whining about having to eat. But I guess that’s just the way all the food I don’t want to eat does or doesn’t crumble, depending on its texture.
The awful maraschino cherry on top of today is that my nurse is super busy so the meds I would normally take after to help calm me down are so frustratingly out of reach. And again, there’s that compounded guilty feeling of feeling awful for eating and awful for feeling awful about it. And guess what? It feels awful.