Lunch was impossible. I ate it all and I’m done.
I had chicken noodle soup, a salad with apples and dressing, a chicken sandwich with a bun and lettuce, soymilk, water, and an orange. I feel like I’m going to explode, and honestly right now I’d rather I did. Because then I wouldn’t have to feel this torture.
I want it all out of my body. I want to leave and never come back. I want to tell my eating disorder to get the fuck away from me and leave me as I am. I’m done with the force feeding. I’m done with hating myself. I’m done with living.
I can’t do it anymore. And on my birthday, of all days.
i won’t eat dinner. I won’t have my liquid breakfast. They can tube me and pump nutrients into me until I’m good and plump and then I’m gone. I have no will to resist. Once I’m discharged, I’m losing whatever I put back on here. I refuse to have it any other way.
Thank you all for your well wishes today. I really wish I could say they’ve helped more. But this disorder is just too strong.