I’m done.

Lunch was impossible. I ate it all and I’m done.

I had chicken noodle soup, a salad with apples and dressing, a chicken sandwich with a bun and lettuce, soymilk, water, and an orange. I feel like I’m going to explode, and honestly right now I’d rather I did. Because then I wouldn’t have to feel this torture.

I want it all out of my body. I want to leave and never come back. I want to tell my eating disorder to get the fuck away from me and leave me as I am. I’m done with the force feeding. I’m done with hating myself. I’m done with living.

I can’t do it anymore. And on my birthday, of all days.

i won’t eat dinner. I won’t have my liquid breakfast. They can tube me and pump nutrients into me until I’m good and plump and then I’m gone. I have no will to resist. Once I’m discharged, I’m losing whatever I put back on here. I refuse to have it any other way.

Thank you all for your well wishes today. I really wish I could say they’ve helped more. But this disorder is just too strong.


One thought on “Done.

  1. Footprints in the Sand

    One night I had a dream.

    I dreamed I was walking along the beach
    with the Lord..

    Across the sky flashed scenes from my life..
    For each scene, I noticed two sets of
    footprints in the sand,
    one belonging to me, and the other to the Lord..

    When the last scene of my life flashed before me,
    I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
    I noticed that many times along the path of my life
    there was only one set of footprints.
    I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
    and saddest times in my life.

    This really bothered me
    and I questioned the Lord about it:
    “Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
    you’d walk with me all the way.
    But I have noticed that during the most
    troublesome times in my life
    there is only one set of footprints.
    I don’t understand why
    when I need you most you would leave me.”

    The Lord replied:
    “My precious child, I love you and would
    never leave you.
    During your times of trial and suffering,
    when you see only one set of footprints, it was then
    that I carried you.”

    by Mary Stevenson


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