I just had a very long, thorough, and emotional conversation with my social worker. We discussed how awful I’ve been feeling and how poorly being here is taxing my mental health. I happened to bring up that taking away things that make me happy, like my clothes, my friends, my family, and basic freedoms, hardly seemed like an environment in which to foster a healthy recovery. I added that it seemed so counterintuitive that my will to live had honestly come into question the past couple of days. She responded with the logical answer that some of this was mandatory given the hospital environment, but then asked me a surprising question.
“Would you be willing to work with outpatient treatment?”
To which I essentially responded, hell, yes, I would. To go home? To be back in a semi-normal situation? I would do anything for that.
So the long and short of it is that I’m stuck here for the weekend. There’s no ifs ands or buts about it. I’ll just have to not grin and bear it. But I’m going to try and be compliant. Because she said that perhaps discharge to a stable outpatient program would be possible early next week if I behave as such.
Is that possible? I’m not sure. But I’m sure as hell going to try. Any and all support and DISTRACTIONS would be most welcome at this time so that I can keep my mind off of the unfortunate reality of what I’m doing for the time being.
Also, the title is somewhat literal, since my roommate decided to open the shades as a birthday gift so I could see how beautiful the sunshine is on the anniversary of my twentieth year on this planet. Hopefully someday I learn that I am beautiful in a similar way; no matter what.