As the title states, Happy National Eating Disorder Week 💜
So now the Klarman staff has decided that the best way to make me more miserable here than I was is to put me on bedrest because I fainted and fell earlier. This essentially entails leaving me alone in my room all day with the tiny window behind my bed offering s slim glimpse of freedom and the vent above the door blasting cold air noisily at me.
I’ve been here for five days now and all I’ve done is deteriorate. I feel isolated and disgusted with myself, and now I get to sit with those feelings for a lovely twenty four hours a day. What an awesome early birthday present.
I’m going to be incredibly, painfully honest here, and answer a question I’m sure a few of you have in mind. And that is “Why don’t you just say so you can get out of there?”
This is the kind of question I’ve come to expect from people who haven’t bothered to learn much about the inner workings of depression, anxiety, or anorexia.If I eat, I feel so depressed, guilty, and ashamed of myself, that I want to die. If I don’t eat, I deal with the same feelings on a slightly smaller scale.
Sorry if that hurts anyone to read. I truly am. But this isn’t about covering up the truth, and anorexia is a deadly disease, especially when it’s color of with depression and anxiety like mine is.
I have no motivation. That’s the other componen of this that deserves blatantly honest recognition and description. Perhaps if I felt like I had a reason to live; if I felt there was a legitimate reason to endure such pain and self-hatred in the hopes that I would find the light on the other side of the tunnel, I would do it. Unfortunately, here’s where I again put that disclaimer. It doesn’t exist.
My life does not currently matter enough to me.
“How can that be?” one such uneducated individual as before might ask. Well, other than the obvious answer that my mental demons are oppressive and all consuming, I just don’t see any value in myself worth preserving. From my perspective, I’m a dime a dozen.
I won’t make this entire post horrific to read. Even though the majority of my life is a walking (or in this case, bed-resting) nightmare, there exists a faint glimmer of hope. And that’s that with time, I might discover my motivation.
Here’s the difficulty I’m sure a few of you have noted: that waiting game has an serious expiration date.
Thsts why I’m reaching out to all of you. I’ve received compliments and commendations and thank yous from people I’ve know for years to people I’ve never met for being as honest and open as I have been. On the flip side, I’m sure there are many out there who are frightened, disgusted, or just flat out don’t give a damn about it. But I’m directing this to the former with all the strength I can muster.
Please, from the bottom of my often tachycardic heart, please help me rediscover my motivation. Help me find reasons to live. I thank you all for your support every day, and oftentimes it really does temporarily lift me out of a dark spot. However, in the interest of being as truthful as possible, I’ve been trying, and more times than not, failing, to fight this battle alone. And that’s absolutely impossible.
So to sum all this up as concisely and poignantly as I can manage, please. I’m asking you to help save my life.
As aforementioned, I’m posting this during National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. This week, the twenty-first of February through the twenty-eighth, is dedicated to improving awareness of these mental afflictions, as well as honoring all those who have been affected. Especially those who could not escape their disorder’s deathly grasp. Millions and millions of people across the world, regardless of any form of identification of affiliation are victims to eating disorders.
And here I am, one voice amongst all those millions. One unknown, per, classmate, friend, relative, family member, whatever I might represent to you. I am asking you, once again, to help save my life.
Perhaps in the future, I might do the same for another.
If you have stuck with me this far, I send you more love than you can imagine being contained in the entire cosmos. Please continue to stay by my side through this journey. Thank you.
Love, Emma. 💜