Lugubrious

The weather outside today perfectly matches how I feel right now. Gloomy, depressing, Eeyore-esque, and deserving of a funny looking word that actually means all of those things.

“Lugubrious” is for the weather, though. I’m not sure what my word might be today. Maybe empty. Or numb. Or a word that means some sort of juxtaposition of devoid of everything, including a definition. Maybe my word should just be “me”.

Just me. That’s what it feels like, anyways; it’s just me against the world. And not only is the world infinitely stronger, smarter, and bigger than me, it’s also capable of mentally beating me up. The earth went to the gym and got super jacked (insert mental image of the “I pick things up and put them down” guy here) in its ability to break me down and crush me from the inside out. If you asked me who I was, or what I was fighting for, or what matters to me… I wouldn’t have answers to any of those questions. The inside of my mind is a gloomy, depressing, Eeyore-esque, lugubrious place. The walls are all painted various shades of grey (and no, we’re not talking fifty) and there’s some very sparse furniture arranged near a window with a little alcove. If you look more closely, you can see me seated there, staring moodily and blankly out through the glass at the rain falling past. Outside, despite the less than ideal weather conditions, the streets are teeming with sounds, sights, and colors. There’s a vibrant energy in the air that buzzes between bright yellow taxis crammed close together in between a rainbow myriad of cars, people holding umbrellas aloft, neon signs advertising everything from stores to shows to shops, and a general sound that rises up and brings everything to life. It’s overwhelmingly intoxicating amalgamation that draws you in.

But I’m stuck on the outskirts, on the fringes. I can’t join in. It’s all I can do to even move the most infinitesimal amount. It seems as though all the energy and life has drained right out of me into the city. Even keeping my head balanced aloft in the palms of my hands is a struggle requiring every little ounce of willpower I have.

That’s how my Saturday is going so far. I’ll update you all if anything noteworthy occurs. Stay sunny, and much love, as always ❤

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