I knew it could happen, but I wasn’t ready for it to so soon. There’s another eating disorder patient on the floor and she’s out here eating right now. They accidentally gave me her plate this morning, even.
What happens when I see her eating? My anorexia gets really, really loud. And it wants to compete. It wants to be worse, and drag me further through the dirt, and hurt me a thousand times more, than hers could ever. It wants her to succeed at eating and me to fail. And it really, really sucks. I kind of want to cry right now.
I can’t sit here and watch someone else behave and eat. I can’t do it. I can’t do this. I just ate 100% of my breakfast and she’s barely touching hers. I know she’s trying but I just can’t stand it. Especially if the rules are somehow different for the two of us.
Maybe she’s nice. Maybe she understands. But right now, I am all consumed by ED, and it wants me to burn alive.