My ED is Better Than Your ED

I knew it could happen, but I wasn’t ready for it to so soon. There’s another eating disorder patient on the floor and she’s out here eating right now. They accidentally gave me her plate this morning, even.

What happens when I see her eating? My anorexia gets really, really loud. And it wants to compete. It wants to be worse, and drag me further through the dirt, and hurt me a thousand times more, than hers could ever. It wants her to succeed at eating and me to fail. And it really, really sucks. I kind of want to cry right now.

I can’t sit here and watch someone else behave and eat. I can’t do it. I can’t do this. I just ate 100% of my breakfast and she’s barely touching hers. I know she’s trying but I just can’t stand it. Especially if the rules are somehow different for the two of us.

Maybe she’s nice. Maybe she understands. But right now, I am all consumed by ED, and it wants me to burn alive.

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2 thoughts on “My ED is Better Than Your ED

  1. The problem with eating disorders is that they are competitive. That is one reason why inpatient is so tough, you feel that other people are eating so you want to behave like them, but at the same time the anorexia tells you by not eating you are doing better than them. It’s hard,

    I learnt that I just had to zone out from everyone else and focus on me. Everyone’s treatment and recovery is different.

    Mx

    Like

  2. I’ve been reading your posts this morning and yes, you are consumed by eating disordered thoughts. I’ve so been in that place of anxiety and fear related totally to food yet maybe not about food at all. So I dare you to write from your heart. Go inside yourself and move beyond the food. What is there. My pivotal moment happened nearly 30 years into my anorexia when my T kept saying over and over again that I was doing this for “NO REASON”—yes, I told her there was no reason I was starving myself and slowly killing myself to purge my body of food. Oh my gawd, I was lying, there was a reason, lots of reason. I got angry at her because she was letting me get fat, watching my thighs expand. Really my emotions were expanding and she wasn’t forcing me (in fact she never weighed me and talked about the food). So I dare you to go within yourself and write about the “F(fearful)A(anxious)T(tense)” emotions because you aren’t doing this for no reason. No one’s ED is better and we are all a bit crazy at times (with or without AN).

    Liked by 1 person

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