The Fog of Self Hatred

I knew it couldn’t last; that fleeting good mood I was in was too unnatural.

Lunch was awful. Full of self loathing right now. They usually block off the nutrition fact labels but they didn’t on a couple things here. And that’s the quickest way to make an OCD calorie counting anorexic like me feel guilty, disgusting, and awful for consuming anything.

I did it. Just because I don’t want to be back on liquids. But god damn is it hard. It’s even harder watching the trays of uneaten food go by from patients who have the ability to refuse and choose their every meal. I wish I could. I hate this protocol and I hate myself for hating it. My eating disorder is loud and proud right now and I wish it would just shut the eff up and leave me be. I’m in tears because they forgot to cover up some of the nutrition fact labels on my food. I’m in tears because I can do the math on what I ate. I’m in tears because I have no choice. And I’m in tears because deep down there’s a tiny little voice that wants recovery that’s being squashed by the screaming, raging, demonic disorder.

I’m gonna try and take a nap as soon as I’m allowed back in my room (this having to wait in the hallway is really dehumanizing) and just forget about feeling. Until dinner.

Much love would be appreciated. I send it to you as always 💜

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2 thoughts on “The Fog of Self Hatred

  1. Being inpatient is really difficult and you have so much free time to think about things such as calories but try and remember why you are there, why you want recovery. Choose recovery at every meal and that little voice that wants recovery will get a little louder.

    I have been through it, and I come out the other side. It wasn’t easy but it was worth it. Follow my blog I think it might help as its all about how I got through and how I overcome different parts. I’m here if you need to talk about inpatient struggles😊

    M x

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  2. Whew girl how often have I been right where you are! My heart is with you and I’m sending hope to heal your pain.

    Be patient, a time will come when the desire for recovery will always trump the asshole in your head … Even when he wins (which sounds so not possible I know!)

    As a frequent flier of treatment centers in all shapes and forms, you will soon even out to a much more sure place once you get far enough into re-feeding. In my own experience, once I knew my brain was nourished for long enough to think rationally, I knew that I knew it was all going to be ok. And even getting to that place helped me recover more fully from every relapse.

    Not sure if that is of any comfort, but anyhow I read this and had to send my love.

    -MC

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