I knew it couldn’t last; that fleeting good mood I was in was too unnatural.
Lunch was awful. Full of self loathing right now. They usually block off the nutrition fact labels but they didn’t on a couple things here. And that’s the quickest way to make an OCD calorie counting anorexic like me feel guilty, disgusting, and awful for consuming anything.
I did it. Just because I don’t want to be back on liquids. But god damn is it hard. It’s even harder watching the trays of uneaten food go by from patients who have the ability to refuse and choose their every meal. I wish I could. I hate this protocol and I hate myself for hating it. My eating disorder is loud and proud right now and I wish it would just shut the eff up and leave me be. I’m in tears because they forgot to cover up some of the nutrition fact labels on my food. I’m in tears because I can do the math on what I ate. I’m in tears because I have no choice. And I’m in tears because deep down there’s a tiny little voice that wants recovery that’s being squashed by the screaming, raging, demonic disorder.
I’m gonna try and take a nap as soon as I’m allowed back in my room (this having to wait in the hallway is really dehumanizing) and just forget about feeling. Until dinner.
Much love would be appreciated. I send it to you as always 💜