I had to do six of the damn things today and WOW do I feel disgusting. I have overwhelming levels of anxiety and self hatred right now; really the only thing keeping them in check is the medicine and the fact that I’m just trying to numb my brain to the whole thing. It gets more difficult the more time passes. At least my mom is here to visit, and my dad should be coming. There are a couple other people I’d love to see, but their visiting would be impossible and probably stressful as anything anyways. Doesn’t mean I don’t still wish. I wish I didn’t do those Ensures, but I don’t want to be tubed. I wish I didn’t have to gain weight, but that’s the goal of the program. I wish anorexia hasn’t picked me, but it did. And I have to deal with the cards life has handed me, for better or for worse.
I’ll write to you all again soon. Looking forward to breakfast tomorrow. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not because I want to eat. Not in the least. But at least it’ll be real solid food instead of another fricking couple of Ensures.
Much yawning love. I’m exhausted and hoping I sleep better tonight. ❤️