Diametrically Opposed Dichotomies

It’s such a dreary day outside. I feel like that matches my mood, though. Dreary, down, depressed.

I’m anxious as anything because I don’t feel like there’s any place for me right now. If I could merge the hospital and here, maybe. If I could go home, maybe. But obviously neither of those are an option.

I want the structure of the hospital, but the comfort and leisure time that come with my own outfits and the built in free time here. I want the smaller meal plan that doesn’t increase without my knowledge, but not the amount of meals. I want my phone and my makeup, but  not a johnny and hospital pants and a heart monitor. I want to eat less, but not suffer the repercussions for doing so. I want my life back, but I’m not even sure what that would look like.

I miss some of the staff at BI and I missed some of the staff here. I miss some of the people I met there and I missed the people I left behind here. I want recovery, but I don’t at the same time. I don’t want to feel anxious and depressed all the time, but I’m terrified of leaving those feelings behind and trying to see what fills that void. I want to be healed, but I don’t see myself as broken. That’s the hardest part of all.

Hopefully my meeting with my team goes well and I can make myself perfectly understood, since at BI there was apparently a lot of misunderstanding. They were going to tube me without the psych team’s consent, which is fucking outrageous and terrifying. Thank goodness that didn’t happen. I shouldn’t have been so complacent about it. I need to be stronger.

I want to be the girl who dyes her hair dark red because she can, who gets the nose and other piercings she’s dreamed of having for a while, who gets the new tattoo because she feels it’s a part of her body already, and who doesn’t give a shit about what her eating disorder or other mental issues are screaming in her head. I want to be happy and healthy and beautiful because I believe I am worthwhile. I want to be Emma, not some shadow of myself. But I worry that I’ve been spending so much time in the shadows that I might have permanently made myself one of them.

I want to conquer this, but I don’t feel ready to do it on my own. Yet I want to be on my own. I wish I recognized my true status; how fragile I am and how in need of help I am. But I can’t right now. I don’t want to relinquish control.

Today’s a good example of how tightly I hold on to control. They’ve moved the adults into the teen room and I hate it. I’m spending time in my room desperately trying to avoid using a behavior, as well as feeling trapped and claustrophobic. And I want to meet with my team, right now, but I can’t until later.

I just don’t know what to do with myself right now. Maybe I’ll feel better later. Who knows. I’ve already heard and seen so many triggering things this morning, and I’m trying really hard to avoid upsetting anyone else. I wish I was my first priority to avoid upsetting. I wish I cared enough about myself to put me first. Fortunately, I have all of the amazing supporters and encouragers backing me up, which I am forever grateful for.

Much love.



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