Yesterday was disastrous. There’s no changing or denying that. I had a complete meltdown. It was the worst panic attack I’ve had, followed by the worst onset of depression that I’ve felt in my entire life. It ended up reoccurring slightly in the night, as evidenced by the post preceding this one. I just felt like I was stuck on a ship lost at sea; except instead of a ship, I felt more like I was trapped in a car lost at sea. Like I definitely shouldn’t exist out where I was, but that I was doomed all the same.
Fortunately the nurses here were kind enough to let me sit outside the station at around 2 in the morning until about 3:30 and occupy myself with some random arts and crafts until I felt calm enough and sleep enough to get about two hours more rest. That was until my new roommate’s alarm went off for about five straight minutes. The poor thing is recovering from surgery, so of course I don’t truly mind, but I wish it had automatically turned itself off. Or maybe played some nice classical music or at least said something funny instead. You know. I had to be weighed following that anyways, and then asked permission to come back here to the solarium for two reasons: one, to write this post, and two, to watch the sun rise. I haven’t been able to do that yet due to my roommates having the window bed and their uncanny (yeah, it’s actually quite normal, I’m the abnormal one) to sleep in past the crack of dawn.
Happy Groundhog’s Day, by the way! The reason for the title is threefold:
- Alliteration (due to my being an English major with pretty terrifying levels of OCD)
- Hoping it’s actually a better day than yesterday
- Wanting to write Punxsutawney and see that it’s a legitimate word
Punxsutawney. I actually didn’t have to look up how to spell that (insert humble brag or lucky guess here), though I did afterwards just to see how hilariously real the name is. Poor groundhog, getting yanked out just to see if he’ll see his shadow or not. Of course he will (it’s practically inevitable given the time of day they do these things). So maybe I shouldn’t rest my hopes on whether my day will be positive on such similar grounds to whether or not a groundhog sees his shadow and determines the remaining weather for a few months.
I should try and take the positivity into my own hands. So that’s what I’m attempting to do this morning. Take how awful yesterday was; all of that negativity, and reverse it. Use it as willpower to make today the opposite. Take all the sadness, the hopelessness, the anger, the confusion, the tears, the food, the guilt, the shame, the hatred, everything, and use it.
Here’s to a happy Groundhog’s Day, a beautiful sunrise, and a great day that starts out with me tackling whatever awaits me at breakfast and the news that I’m finally headed back to Walden, inpatient, and taking my journey to the defeat of this disorder back into my own hands.
As always? Much, much love.
(also, had to include this)