Today has been an exceedingly emotional day for me. There have been some really high points, and unfortunately, some really tumultuous negatives that really took presidence.
The day started out with nothing but happiness. I had been very distraught yesterday after finding out there was no space for me at Walden, but woke up determined to put the past behind me. I put on makeup, washed my hair, and even tied my johnny with extra care just to put in that little bit of extra, entirely unnecessary effort to make myself feel valuable. I was up early enough to catch the sunrise, which I got some beautiful pictures and videos of. Then I sat down to eat with a smile on my face for the first time in months. Breakfast was alarming to eat as always, but I put my blinders on and focused my way through completing 100% of it. Afterwards, I took a walk and found myself in the solarium, where I felt so content with how I looked that I decided to take a picture. That hasn’t happened in a long, long time.
However, the anxiety started to settle in, and I began to press members of my team for details regarding the status of my potential transfer. And right before lunchtime was when I found out there wasn’t a spot open for me once again. I dissolved into hysterics, refused to eat outright, and became entirely hopeless. I withdrew to my room in tears and curled up in a ball. Right then, I wished to not be. Not because I want to stop living, but because I wanted to stop feeling. All the pain, all the sadness, all the guilt, all the hatred, all the anxiety… I just needed it all to stop.
Dinner simply continued the spiral of negativity. Once again, my meal plan was seemingly upped without any information being provided to me about the increase. I was put on the liquid diet for my noncompliance with lunch and was only capable of finishing 2/3 of the meal, and barely at that.
This may mean a nasogastric tube tomorrow, and it may not. After a call from a very dear friend and advocate, some sticking up for myself, and a few deep breaths, I learned that it had been decided that my team would collectively meet with me to discuss the plan going forward tomorrow morning. That doesn’t mean tomorrow’s liquid breakfast is something I can complete, or that I’m avoiding the tube, or that everything is resolved. But it is progress, and it is a ray of hope.
I decided to come back to the solarium to make this final post and end my day on a positive note by tagging every person who has had some form of positive impact on my journey (that I can using the futile means of Facebook, that is) in my new profile picture from when I was so happy earlier. And it’s helped a bit. I’m also going to request a final, albeit short, walk around the premises of this floor before bed and then hopefully get a good night’s sleep. Who knows what tomorrow will hold. As many people have wisely told me today, I have to take this one step at a time. No battle was ever won any other way; no mountain ever climbed in another manner.
I have to believe in myself. I don’t right now, but I’m working on it. One little moment at a time.
My goals for tomorrow?
- Keep an open mind
- Try and stay positive and calm
- Try my best
- Believe, if only a little bit more, that recovery is possible
Much love, as always, and good night 💜