Feeling Impossibly Guilty

So my final post for the night will be a negative one, unfortunately. Logically I know that my body needs calories even if it doesn’t exercise or do anything other than keep me alive. But my eating disorder disputes that at every turn, telling me I’ll be fat and bloated and disgusting if I consume anything, much less the two Ensures I had to gulp down as penalty for not finishing my lunch. And the worst part is I have to deal with that twice more if I want solid food back. I hate this and I hate myself right now. I don’t want recovery right now. I wish I did. So badly. But right now all I want to do is curl up, cry, shower, watch a little TV and wonder why I feel like I’m the only one whose body gains weight and looks fat like this for eating. And then sleep. Goodnight.

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